Christmas is Around the Corner

I am laying next to Harrison in our bed, he is wrapped up in my arms napping. He smells like a combination of milk and strawberry juice. He is snoring softly. Every now and then he contorts as he coughs violently, occasionally retching as he struggles with his chest infection. My poor boy. He had sniffles last week that ended up mutating into a horrible chesty cough and cold after he had his one year jabs on Thursday. J and I battled all weekend to bring his temperature down to healthy levels and even now none of us have had much sleep. 

This time of year brings all manner of bugs to blight the festive season. As you dust off your Christmas tree and hang up your decorations you almost know for certain that somebody in the family is going to get a rotten cold in time for Christmas, and if they have one now, 'at least it's out of the way in time for Christmas'. I sincerely hope that all of us enjoy a snot-free Christmas this year. Especially as it's the first one that Harrison can begin to appreciate in terms of that we're doing something different from everyday life and that's exciting. There is a brightly lit tree in the dining room. A holly bough over the fireplace, Christmas cards strewn along the shelves. Harrison desperately wants to escape the confines of the living room and explore the tree - specifically to pull the baubles off and see if they bounce or smash. Hence why we have resigned the tree to our dining area, which we can safely cordone off.

And speaking of resigning, I have handed in my notice at work. There are big changes afoot here as in January I'll be starting a new job at the University of Essex. It's part time, more money and there are actual perks like childcare vouchers, a pension scheme etc. and the big bonus is there's a lovely nursery onsite where my little button will get to play whilst I'm working. 

I am really excited for this new challenge and genuinely ready and willing for the chance to meet new people and start this new chapter of my life as a working mum. But there is a part of me that is desperately sad that my time as a stay at home mummy has come to an end. 

There are no words for how much this time with Harrison has meant to me. Everyday (even the days when he's been poorly or stroppy) have been the best of my life. I feel so sad that our special time together is coming to an end. I think this is exacerbated by the fact I stopped breastfeeding Harrison a week after his first birthday. That was traumatic to say the least, though definitely the right time for us to stop. 

I will admit that I'm struggling to accept that there will be other people that will have a hand in raising Harrison and shaping the man he will become. That frightens me, because in my mind only J and I are fit to raise our son and there is a lot of distrust around how our family members, friends and staff will meet our high expectations. But, in the immortal words of Frozen, I have to 'let it go'. Harrison loved looking around the nursery the other day and just wanted to wriggle away from me and J and play with the new toys. It was a heartbreaking moment, but I am ultimately proud that our boy is strong enough to be independent from us. 

So this Christmas I am going to make the most of being a stay at home mum whilst I can. Who cares that I'm snuggled up next to my sleeping baby at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning? The chores can wait, it's a never ending task anyway. Right now, having the time to hold my little, sleeping, snotty son in my arms is all I could ever want for Christmas. 

1

Today is your first birthday. I am so happy and overjoyed, but you wouldn't believe the amount of tears I have shed over this day. Because everyday that crept closer to your birthday was a day that you grew older, another day bringing you closer to your future and further away from being my little baby. 

Since being your mummy I have learned one very important thing: I need you far more than you will ever need me. Yes I feed you, clothe you, kiss away the tears. But your smiles feed me, your little arms wrap around me better than a cashmere shawl and your laughter dusts away all the sadness I may ever have.

I wanted to write you a poem for your birthday. But what could be said anew when mothers have been writing poems for their children for centuries? How could I put into words our unique bond, the strength of my love for you? Then I thought. I will simply write down the words I whisper to you every single night. Words that are just for you and I as you finish nursing. A goodnight mantra to carry you through the night. 

I love you higher than the mountains, deeper than the seas and wider than the skies. I will do everything in my power to always keep you happy, healthy and safe from harm. 

I love you more than I can possibly put into words. More than the breath in my lungs or the beat of my heart. 

You are my reason for living. 

My happy thought.

My pure joy. 

I hope you've had a fun day. I had fun being with you and everyday I wake up in the morning I'm so happy and thankful that I get to be your mummy. I can't believe how lucky I am that you are my little boy. You bring so much happiness and joy into our lives. 

Thank you. 

I hope you have a lovely, long sleep filled with happy dreams that make you smile and giggle. But if you wake up afraid then don't worry because mummy and daddy will just be downstairs or in the room next door, watching over you. We'll always be watching over you.

I love you Harrison. I'm going to put you in your cot now. 

Sweet dreams. 

Sleep tight.

Good night. 

Time Flies

 

So we're now in October and next month our little boy, the light of our lives turns 1. Although the blog posts have been growing more and more sparse of late (I'm busy being a mummy!) that's not to say that things aren't changing in Harrison's world. Now a proficient crawler, he has been using his newfound skills to scale the furniture, attempting to climb onto things and generally exploring every inch of our home. Baby proofing has become a hot topic, especially as Harrison's danger radar homes in on whatever is the least appropriate thing to play with in the room and tells him to go touch! Or worse - eat! I pulled chips of wood out from his mouth the other week which he'd picked off the logs in the fireplace. Gross. 

J has made this for the fireplace:

to cover the very porous bricks. It's done a fantastic job of cushioning our little man's expeditions round the fireplace, but has also aided his mission somewhat as he uses it as a step to scale the wall...

In other news, I turned 30 years old on the 1st October. We celebrated by heading to Cornwall and staying in a gorgeous log cabin by Forest Holidays. We had a log burner and hot tub, it was so wonderful. Harrison got his first ever experience of paddling around in a pool. He was unsure at first but grew to like it when he realised he could splash us in our faces. 

We had lots of fun visiting the Eden Project, the Lost Gardens of Heligan and little seaside towns like Looe, Polperro and Mevagissey. My favourite times though were just being out and about in nature with my boys, exploring the woods and drinking in the changing colours of the season. It was 20 degrees on my birthday - that's never happened before! And I woke up to a hot cup of tea and this view...

It just seems like a few weeks ago that we were in Norfolk celebrating my 29th and I was so heavily pregnant we were scared to do much in case I popped. I look at my little man, his angelic face (even when he's being a monkey) and I can't quite believe how quickly this year is going. 

Thankfully those night feeds are a thing of the past and I don't often have to get up in the middle of the night to check on him, but I remember the times when I did. Changing his nappy in the cold, dark, lighting my way with the little colour changing candles we used in my labour. Harrison's face as he was mesmerised by the soft, colourful glow. And then sitting on the chair at the end of our bed, nursing him for what felt like forever, trying to stay awake whilst willing my newborn boy back to sleep. Getting up 10+ times in the night to soothe him and pop the dummy back in his mouth - what a revelation that was when he learnt to do that himself! How far our little adventurer has come, how far he will go. Everyday being with him makes my heart sing. 

Many Milestones

Since I last wrote our little baby boy has gone through so many changes, both physically and developmentally, it's hard to keep track of them all! Last week he sat up by himself from being completely flat on his back. Me and J exclaimed in wonder - how did he go it? Could he do it again? I'd briefly left him on his back after a nappy change and on my return 10 seconds later he was sat bolt upright and beaming. Little did we know that this was not the only milestone reached that day... for when I put him in cot that evening to run his bath I watched in fascination as he crawled over his bed like he'd been doing it for months. Excitedly I called J upstairs to witness this long-awaited miracle. By the next evening Harrison was pulling himself up to standing in his cot very sturdily and supporting himself in standing downstairs against the sofas. I wouldn't say he runs us ragged now, but his penchant for cables, wires, the brick fireplace and anything remotely dangerous is quite exhausting.

But it's not all oohs and ahhs over here. Well perhaps there are ahhs but they're delivered in a painful screech. For my darling natured baby and his two tiny teeth have learnt how to bite me, particularly in a very vulnerable place as he's feeding...he has only done it a few times now, all when he's had a streaming cold, so I'm hoping it doesn't become a regular thing as that will cut the final weeks of breastfeeding down dramatically. And whilst we're on the subject, today is the first day I'm only offering 3 breastfeeds, so we'll see how that goes. He has coped with cutting his milk down surprisingly well, but then I have made this process very gradual, as much as for his sake as mine.

In other news I've asked for a 6 month extension of leave to delay me returning to work. The idea of leaving my little monkey with someone else is just heartbreaking to me and I haven't been coping with the idea of returning to work at all well. If I get an extension, it will alleviate all the pressure and insecurities I feel about leaving my son with strangers who are paid (an extortionate amount) to care for him rather than doing it out of love. He is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't afford to put him with people who may not have his best interests at heart whilst I go off to work for a pittance. Hopefully in 6 months my mum will have a part time job that will mean she can look after Harrison at least some of the time, allowing me to gradually return to work (part time) and bring home a little bit of extra income.

As I type this he is laying sweetly asleep in my lap. His little hand on my chest and his eyelids flickering as he dreams. The first year of his life is just rushing by like a freight train. Every night as I feed him to sleep I'm aware that we're only months away from losing our special bond, which is just so sad. But each night brings a new day and a new adventure for me and my boy. 

9 months and counting

So this week Harrison turned 9 months old. We celebrated this milestone and our own 4 year anniversary with a delicious Sunday roast at the Compasses in Pattiswick. It seems hard to believe that enough time has passed for me to grow another baby inside me - though that is the very last thing I want right now! 

As I write this, Harrison is desperately trying to crawl, lifting his shoulders and chest high off the floor and wriggling his bottom and legs. He makes all the right moves and then...gives up and rolls over. He finds it very frustrating and if he's in a bit of a precious mood, he will have a little paddy. It's so hard to watch, I try to encourage him and get him into the right position, as well as giving him lots of opportunity to practice, but it's something he has to figure out in his own. Most other babies we know around his age are crawling so by having lots of play dates with them, I'm hoping Harrison will be able to observe how they move and pick up some tips. 

But there are lots of things Harrison can do now and it seems like everyday he picks up a new skill. Amazingly, he understands basic instructions which makes me think he knows what we're saying a lot more than we realise. I will soon have to stop swearing in front of him! Not that I do it that much! 

He can clap his hands, and do it without being shown first if you say 'clap hands' and give him encouragement.

If you ask him where a favourite toy is, like Neep, Iggle Piggle or Dumdy Tiger, 9 times out of 10 he will look around for it, reach it and start playing with it. He does this with his dummy too.

You can play a lovely game with Harrison now. If you roll his light up drum or rainmaker to him, he will often roll it back to you and I've been known to spend 15 - 20 mins getting a good volley going with him.

He can't quite pull himself up to standing yet but he does try, especially in his cot. If you stand him up and give him the edge of the sofa to hold onto, he will stand there quite sturdily and happily for a long time. 

He babbles a lot. He knows what Dada means and sits quite happily saying 'Da-da-da-da', especially when J gets home. He also mimics 'oh dear' (when he drops something on the floor for example). If I'm singing loudly, he will sometimes 'join in' with his own loud 'ooohs' and 'aahs'.

He finds certain things hilarious. Like my sneezes, the word cheese - especially when you replace a word in a favourite song with the word cheese! There is a little green dinosaur called Tony in a programme on Cbeebies called Dinopaws and whenever he comes on screen Harrison giggles away. It's very sweet. He is generally a very happy boy and is always smiling and giggling at things. I love being his mummy so much!

Bump

Yesterday morning I was doing some chores in our bedroom. Because Harrison is now rolling all over the place, I thought it would he a good idea to pop him in a laundry basket on our bed so he could still watch Cbeebies whilst I hung up clothes and put things away. I padded the basket with a blanket and he seemed fine, happily watching his programmes. I went into the nursery to hang up some of his clothes. After a few minutes I heard a sickening thud. I stopped for a second, praying that maybe it was the remote control falling off the bed. But I knew. I rushed into the room, the laundry basket was overturned on the bed and there was no Harrison. No sound. I ran to J's side of the bed and there was my little baby, face down, flat on the floor, not crying. The next few seconds were a blur. I picked him up, his little face was contorted with pain and shock. He opened his mouth and let out the loudest, most distressing wail I've ever heard. He started crying, so did I. I checked him over to find the source of pain. Was anything broken? Did he land on something sharp? A smallish red bruise, speckled with darker, blood-red spots formed on his forehead. I called J in a panic. Oh god, what had I done? This was all my fault. J tried to calm me down, I FaceTimed him and sent him some photos of Harrison's head. Did I need to take him to hospital? In the mean time, Harrison had stopped crying, but still seemed upset (understandably). I called 111, they assured me he should be fine but gave me some advice. They asked me to speak to a doctor too, which I did. By this point, Harrison seemed fine, he had a little nap but had been smiling and laughing at me before whilst I was making these calls. 

Then the anxiety kicked in. My mind kept reliving those moments, the basket on the bed, his fragile little body on the floor. And worse, my over active imagination insisted on playing over and over again every possibility of what may have happened. Did he fall this way or that? Did he roll out if the basket first and then fall of the bed? I saw his little body tumbling over the side backwards. Saw his little hands flail in the air as he tried to reach out for mummy to catch him, though I wasn't there. I wasn't with him and that just kills me. I imagine his little mind, confused and feeling pain, wondering how he ended up on the floor practically under the bed with the dust bunnies. Even now, nearly 24 hours after this occured, I am still rendered speechless and tears roll down my cheeks at my stupidity, of the terrible fear he must have felt and the realisation that it could have been so, so much worse.

He's lying next to me now, asleep and breathing gently on my face. His bruise is already fading, who knows what memories his mind holds, perhaps it's already forgotten. But for me, I will never forget. I will learn from that mistake and try to never, ever let that happen again. 

Holidays and High Jinks

Last week we went on our first family holiday to Dorset. We stayed in a lovely little cottage, about 6 miles from Lyme Regis, and celebrated 3 milestones - J's birthday, Harrison reaching 7 months old and J leaving his job in London. 

We had a really wonderful time and it was so good to spend quality time together, surrounded by glorious countryside, rolling hills and the breathtaking Jurassic Coast. We spent days eating fish and chips and fudge on the beach at Lyme Regis, climbing up Jacob's Ladder and exploring deep underground caves in Cheddar Gorge and trekking miles of perfect powder-white cliffs at Lulworth Cove and Durdle Door. 

Harrison, always such a chirpy ray of sunshine, took the change in scenery in his stride and slept well in his travel cot, quite possibly exhausted from the exciting adventures of the day. As for me and J, we got to spend evenings cuddled up drinking in this view and some delicious moscato rosé. 

It's no lie that that we face some real changes as a family now as J embarks on a new path for his career, but perhaps it was the long car journeys filled with good conversation, the moments of peace surrounded by nature, the fun of the seaside or the joy of standing on a cliff top marvelling at our beautiful world with the two people I love best in all the world, but I feel renewed. I feel whole. I feel like we have made amazing memories for us and our boy. And I feel excited for these new changes and for how they will shape our family's future.

As for the latest on our little bundle of joy, he is learning new skills at an alarming rate! Sitting up on his own is now a doddle. He now does a funny little wiggly dance when he's excited. He reaches out for me, J, his favourite toys. He grins and giggles with glee when he hears his Iggle Piggle sing it's song. He laughs at my silliness and revels in the dodgy dances, songs and tricks I perform. I'm his personal entertainer and have an embarrassingly large repertoire of daft things I will do to see his gorgeous, gummy grin. Of course, when J does something silly or joins in, it's even better and we will lapse into our comedy duo routine, much to Harrison's delight. 

J's career change means that currently we are blessed with lots of family time whilst things get up and running. I'm so overjoyed that J gets to see more of his son now, at this most precious and exciting time of his life. Now I have someone to share those magical moments with when Harrison performs tricks of his own, whether it's finishing a bowl of porridge in the morning without a fuss or doing his little jig when In the Night Garden comes on the TV. 

Sometime I do feel like it's the little things that matter the most in life. And Harrison is the littlest of us all. 

Half Birthday

This weekend saw our baby boy turn 6 months old! I know I wrote this on every post but seriously - where has the time gone?! It feels like only yesterday we brought him home from the hospital and I laid in bed listening to every snuffly breath he made, exhausted but barely able to sleep because of the adrenaline pumping round my body - our baby was here at last! I remember sneaking out the room and sitting in the nursery with him, the weak early morning light streaming in through the curtains as I breastfed him properly alone for the first time. How proud I felt, how I radiated love for this new tiny person from ever fibre of my being. 

Six months on and I'm still breastfeeding, though I have obviously introduced a few solids to his diet now. Harrison is now a fan of porridge, banana, sweet potato, butternut squash and apple. Today I'll try him with some peach purée I made and hopefully he'll like it. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't be with my baby boy for his half-birthday morning as I had to go into hospital to finally remove that pesky wisdom tooth! They do say that you lose a tooth for every child you have! I got sent this photo of my two best boys though, which really cheered me up.

And this weekend we welcomed a new addition to the household, a shiny new car... This one actually fits the pushchair and a weeks worth of shopping in the boot!

Harrison has reached such a lovely age, he learns something new everyday and is now into everything - grabbing everything he can reach, trying to kiss my face, pulling my hair...he is such a good natured boy and always has a big smile for his mummy and daddy. 

Weaning

Since I last wrote we've had some big things happen with Harrison. Firstly, he got quite a serious ear infection and had to go to hospital. At first, we were told he'd be hooked up to an IV over the weekend but we were actually discharged from hospital later in the afternoon with just some ear drops, thank goodness. The ear infection was called Psuedomonas and is resistant to most antibiotics and can be very dangerous in babies or immune-compromised people if it spreads round the body. After many hospital appointments involving his ear being vacuumed out (or de-gunked as I like to put it) it seems to have gone away and he is back to his cheery little self.

Secondly, we have moved Harrison into his cot in the nursery. It was a very hard decision to make, and there were lots of tears on my part on being separated from my baby boy. But it was ultimately my decision and the right one I think. He was just getting too big for his Moses basket and thrashing around in it a lot, which woke me and him up. The transition has been difficult. We've had good nights and some truly terrible ones, but things seem to be levelling out now. The last few nights he's only woken once or twice and I've actually been able to get some sleep! A week or so ago we had 3 bad nights in a row where he woke every hour. I cannot begin to describe how awful I felt in the daytime - like a zombie. Sleep deprivation really is the worst! A few nights ago he went down at 9pm and woke up at 4:30am. Amazing you might think - apart from the fact I woke up every hour from 1am expecting him to start calling out for a feed. So he got a good nights sleep but I didn't - even though I could have. I've honestly forgotten what a good nights sleep feels like, where I don't need to wake up and see to my baby. The last two nights he's woken once, around 2:30am, had some milk and gone straight back to sleep (like the old days in his Moses basket). A couple of times he's stirred or woken himself up but has managed to self-soothe, which I hope he continues to do. 

Thirdly, we've started weaning! A little earlier than planned, due to the fact I have an operation to remove my wisdom tooth on his 6 month birthday. We started with some baby rice on Easter Monday...

... but no matter how much I added, it just wouldn't make a paste with my milk. So after a couple of days of offering just that once a day, I graduated him onto baby porridge...

... which he loves! So he has a few teaspoons of that for breakfast now after a milk feed. Then, on Saturday just gone, I made my first baby purée in my Beaba Babycook and Harrison had his first taste of organic sweet potato!

This went down very well. So I then gave him porridge for breakfast and a purée for dinner, with all of his usual milk feeds in between. Yesterday, I offered him see steamed carrot sticks, whilst I ate some raw ones in front of him. I thought I'd dabble in a bit of baby led weaning, see how he got on. Well, it wasn't much of a success. I know baby led weaning is very popular, but I was concerned about him choking, plus, no matter how many books I read, I still feel it's my responsibility as a parent to dictate what foods he eats, how much and when. 

I think Harrison agrees...

I ended up puréeing the carrots for his dinner so they didn't go to waste. Today I've introduced a bit of purée at lunchtime (he ate about a third of the pot) just to see how he would get on with it. I'm also offering some water in a sippy cup with his meals and encouraging him to take sips alongside spoonfuls of his food. He likes his sippy cup, but he finds the action of drinking from it funny and most of the water ends up down his front.

Weaning is really fun so far, I'm enjoying giving him new things to try (he's got butternut squash for dinner tonight - I wonder how he'll get on!) but at the same time, I'm a little sad by how quickly time is going. My baby boy is growing up so fast- in his own room, now experimenting with food... every milestone leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. Next week he will be 6 months old! How time flies...

Baby's First Cold

So my very first Mother's Day was wonderful but marred by one thing - Harrison developed a nasty, snotty cold and spent most of Sunday night awake and crying. It must have been quite frightening for him, babies tend to breathe through their noses so having his little airways blocked up must have been very frightening for him. Since then I've had to take him to the doctors as his ear also started leaking neon yellow fluid. Turns out our poor little mite has an ear infection too. And after four days of broad spectrum Amoxicillin to clear it up, we found out yesterday that he needs medicine more specific - something called Floxicillin. The pharmacist wouldn't meet my eyes when I asked her what it tasted like, 'oh it's erm...raspberry...'. Yeah, right. I tasted it before giving it to him yesterday and it tastes like raspberries - smeared with earwax and nail varnish remover. It's the most bitter thing I've ever had the misfortune of tasting. After a hefty glass of orange juice I could still taste the sticky, bitter, evil gloop. Poor Harrison looked like I was trying to poison him when I gave it to him via syringe the first time. And now most of it ends up spat out on a muslin. Sigh. Still, if it makes him well then it will all be worth it.

Above are some recent photos of Harrison with his great Nan and Nanny (my mum and nan). They both adore Harrison which is amazing. 

These other photos are my brothers Ben and Kevin with Harrison. He is so lucky to have two amazing uncles he can look up to and guide him as he gets older. I love how great (most of) my family are with Harrison. It makes me so happy to see them making a fuss of him, playing with him etc. as he's the first grandchild on my side of the family, it's evident why he's thoroughly spoiled! 

Blogged!

Harrison got featured on the What My Baby Wore Today blog over here...

http://whatmybabyworetoday.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/thursday-20th-march-2014-todays-star.html

I had to take a lot of photos of him wearing various cute outfits then send them with links to Lou who runs the blog. It was a lot of fun for me, I think Harrison got bored of all the outfit swaps though! 

Tears and Tantrums

This is the face of the little man who does not want to wear sunblock. 

At 4.5 months, Harrison has developed quite a personality. Usually such a happy, smiley, laughing boy, the last two weeks have shown us a different side to his character. Little paddies and growls of frustration have become a daily norm, as he struggles to understand his feelings and carry out tasks his growing mind so desperately wants to do. If he's being particularly grouchy, simply leaving him alone in a room whilst I carry out one of the myriad chores is enough to set off an impressive vocal range of whining. And if left unattended too long, he will work himself up into quite a tantrum (with real tears and everything!).

Of course, I can usually nip any grumpy behaviour in the bud early on with my amazing repertoire of silly faces / songs / dances, and I of course do not leave him alone for long, especially if he starts getting upset. In fact, it's amazing how jobs that take 30-40 minutes (like cleaning the bathroom) can be finished in mere moments once his angry little cries start up. As a new mum, I used to drop everything and rush to him at the merest hint of a sob. Now I've learnt the difference between his whining cries for attention (usually greeted by cheeky grins the second he sees me) his frustrated huffs and his actual, fearful howls. You know the ones, where the bottom lip drops and their cry is louder than a passing freight train. 

The upshot of his mental development happening right now is that there will be tears and tantrums, but there are also proper cuddles, whole babbling conversations, giggle fits and plenty of smiles and kisses. 

One Year On...

It's so hard to believe that a year ago now I'd just found out I was pregnant. Remembering the nerves and the odd feeling of realising something, a tiny little life, was growing inside me. The incredible journey I've been on in the last year has been overwhelming, exhausting, a huge learning curve but undoubtedly the greatest year of my life. Looking down at my little boy who is fast asleep in my lap, I get a lump in my throat as my mind replays the sorrows and fear when I thought I was losing him, and also the indescribable joy as I felt him kick and writhe inside me. 

I'm still on that journey. Everyday brings a new challenge, a new song to sing to soothe him, a new game to play, a new experience of being Harrison's mummy. On Friday last week he rolled over for the first time - from his tummy to his back. Of course, it happened as I went out if the room for 10 seconds to put a nappy in the bin! I returned to see my boy's wry grin as he realised what he'd just done. There was most definitely a twinkle in his eye! I would have felt terrible if he hadn't rolled straight back over when I flipped him over again. And now that little manoeuvre, that used to take 10 minutes of coaxing and dangling squeaky toys near his head, now takes seconds as he rolls himself every time he's on his tummy. Of course, it's only in one direction now, but who knows? Maybe next week he'll conquer the other side, his little fists bunched with pride and his eyes a-gleam. 

Other things Harrison can do...

1. Coos, sighs and makes funny sounds as he learns that making noises whilst moving your mouth and lips makes different sounds

2. Supports his head (he's done that from a very young age anyway)

3. Supports his head, neck and shoulders by lifting them off the ground during tummy time

4. Copies sounds (especially when I say and sign 'I Love You' - it really does sound like he's trying it say it back!

5. Kicks his legs like he's running on the spot

6. Splashes in the bath with all limbs

7. Grabs toys, hair, clothes etc and puts them in his mouth (or tries to)

8. Swats at things, pushes toys away

9. Stands up and sits up sturdily if supported

10. Giggles and laughs at things he finds funny (normally me and J)

It's so funny to think that a year ago he was just a few cells rapidly multiplying and now he's a living, breathing baby, kicking around on his playmat, getting cross with me when I put his coat on and laughing away when I catch him spying on me. Harrison is a proper little baby boy now with so much character. He is just a joy to be around and I'm so excited for the next year! What will he be doing one year on from now I wonder...

Valentines

Happy Valentines Day!

This little man has brought so much love into our lives, I know we both feel very blessed. It's crazy to think it was about this time last year that we conceived our beautiful bouncing boy. It makes me a little sad to think how fast the time goes, but so happy that my wish of having a family of my own came true. And for that, I need to say a great big thank you and I love you to my wonderful J, who has made me more happy than I could ever dream of.

So Happy Valentines Day everyone and I hope your day is filled with lots of love and joy.

Fever

This is our poorly little man waiting for treatment at Colchester Hospital. Yesterday he was very sleepy in the morning and when he did eventually wake, he was grizzly and clingy. At baby massage, he cried and grizzled every time I tried to massage him, he was only content when I held him close and cuddled me. I went to my mums in the afternoon and he was intermittently smiley, then crying and miserable. I knew he wasn't right, I'd brought some calpol in the changing bag and gave him a small dose about 5pm, texting J to let him know that our boy seemed to be under the weather. 

But by 10pm, it was clear he was getting worse, his head was roasting hot to touch and his temperature on both our non-contact thermometer and digital one were fluctuating from 37.4 - 37.8°C. He also had loose, green, mucus-y stools in his nappy. We called 111 and gave out his symptoms and they gave us an appointment at the walk-in centre up the road immediately. We stripped him down to his vest, and with just a soft blanket loosely covering him, we battled through the sheet rain and cold to get him to the doctor. We were ushered in after about 15 mins and Harrison had clearly had enough at this point. He screamed like I've never heard before, his eyes rolling in the back of his head, not focusing on me and J. The doctor struggled to take his temperature as he squirmed and cried in our arms. It was heartbreaking. The doctor said he had a fever and a very high pulse - at 208bpm it was well over acceptable levels. He recommended we take our boy to the children's ward where he would be monitored overnight. At this point, I was struggling to hold back the tears. I felt utterly helpless. 

We drove the short distance to the main Colchester Hospital entrance and tried to find a way in as the hospital gets locked up at 10pm. A friendly cleaner took pity on us and let us in. We were shown into a private room that had already been prepared for us. The nurse and doctor came in to assess Harrison, who was so overtired and bewildered at this point that he lay forlornly on the cotbed and didn't out up much of a fuss to the doctors ministrations. They took his temperature, pulse, urine sample and checked his body over. Thankfully the doctor seemed to think that he had a nasty bug, his throat and right ear were both inflamed and he could hear some mucus on his chest. He prescribed him some antibiotics and told us to take calpol a few times every day for any pain he had and to reduce his temperature. Eventually, around 2am, the discharges our little boy and we were allowed to go home.

Back in our house, Harrison fed as normal but given that his routine was all out of whack, he didn't sleep very well and just wanted to be cuddled. And it's been much the same today. His temperature and pulse have returned to normal levels, but he has slept for most of the day. When he's been awake, he has alternated between crying miserably and smiling and playing (usually 30 mins after medicine). 

J and I are shattered and yet relieved our precious boy seems to be on the mend. Going to the children's ward was undoubtedly one of the worst moments of my life. I can't begin to tell you how my mind was racing with awful thoughts of what might have been. Even typing these words forms a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I hope and pray that our boy continues to get better and is restored to full health again soon. And I also hope that Harrison never has to go through the distress of being that poorly again. 

Giggles

Last night Harrison had his first fit of giggles! J was in the kitchen with me, holding Harrison whilst I emptied the dishwasher. I was chatting to J about my day, specifically about the courier who had come to collect his bike earlier that day and hadn't understood the word 'dimensions'. All of a sudden Harrison started chuckling. We stopped what we were doing and stared in amazement, then started laughing too. He was just staring into the dining room, kind of looking at the computer screen (which was just white and blank), but whatever he saw he obviously found hilarious because he was laughing so much his eyes got watery! We all stood in the kitchen, caught up in this magical moment and laughing together. Then just as suddenly as he started, he stopped and kind of looked around at us a bit bewildered. I wish I'd filmed him laughing, but I hadn't wanted to leave the kitchen in case I broke the spell we were in. But we will have the memory of his first giggle fit and we will treasure that memory forever. 

This Little Guy

I will never get enough of this little guy. If I could capture his gorgeous gummy grin or bottle the smell of his fuzzy little head I would make millions because Harrison is just the very essence of joy. I love him more than I could put into words and I love J for helping to make him with me! There is a lot of love in my life right now, and I feel very blessed. 

10 Things I Have Learnt About Breastfeeding

How can something so natural be so fraught with guilt, misunderstanding and discomfort? I was so worried about breastfeeding before I gave birth. I was convinced I would struggle with it, especially when I sat round the table in a cafe with my hypnobirthing mummy friends and realised they'd all attended free breastfeeding 'training' sessions at the local hospital and I wasn't aware such a thing even existed. My nipples have always been so sensitive I couldn't bare to touch them, what chance did I have to nurse my infant child? 

But as soon as I was out of the birthing pool and onto a bed with my baby boy, only minutes old, lying snuggled in my arms, the midwife popped my nipple in his searching mouth without any trouble and he began to suckle straight away. The initial sensation was odd - like a prickly pain - but it wasn't unbearable. And in my post-birth high I was just relieved that he was getting nourishment from me without too much hassle. Once home, adrenaline fuelled and unable to sleep, I scooped my baby boy into my arms and fed him from my breast in the weak morning light of the nursery. I felt so proud. Why had I worried? This was easy, painless and I felt so happy that the whole experience - the pregnancy, birth and now breastfeeding had come so naturally to me. I felt like an Earth Mother and all powerful. 

Roll on two days later. Sleep deprived, my nipples were cracked, bleeding and I had to hold my breath and count to 10 as Harrison latched onto me. My breasts were swollen and so heavy it felt like I was pregnant all over again. The pain I experienced when my milk let down was torturous. But he was getting milk from me, there was never any question of switching to formula, I just hoped and prayed that things would get easier. And luckily they did.

Two months on, I wanted to share the ten most important things I've learned about breastfeeding, as one who missed out on all the pre-birth training and had to learn 'on the job' (thanks google!). I'm still breastfeeding, it's still relatively easy (though we have our moments). I'm sure there will be more learning to come, but for now, this is what I now know.

1. If your baby is healthy, happy and putting on weight, you are doing something right. 

The first few weeks were a whirlwind of midwives visiting, yanking my boobs out and telling me I needed to try this position, I needed to feed for this long, I needed to hold him like this, not like that blah blah blah. But Harrison was happy, was putting on a good amount of weight and I had already found the positions I was comfortable to feed him in. I trusted my maternal instincts (and years of watching women feed their babies on TV and in films) to know roughly what should be done, and hey, I was right. The midwives visits felt like a huge waste of time to me.

2. Your baby continues to take in your antibodies for as long as you breastfeed.

I always thought as long as you breastfed for the first two weeks, you could give up afterwards as the baby will have got all the important nutrients in those early days. Not so. Your baby will continue to take in your antibodies for as long as you breastfeed, making them that much more resilient to fighting infections.

3. Breastmilk is a living thing.

Apparently. I guess it's all those antibodies and 'good bacteria'. Like a pot of Yakult.

4. The first few weeks are the worst.

But you will survive. It might feel like your nipple is being injected with a thousand tiny pin pricks to begin with, but your nipples will toughen up so to speak and the pain when baby latches does phase out gradually. Once you've got past 4 weeks, you start feeling like a pro and then it gets much easier. Stick with it if you can. Afterall, if you've survived the pain of delivering your child naturally, what's a little nipple tweaking pain in comparison?

5. Guilt is a natural part of being a mum. And even if you are breastfeeding you will encounter guilt.

I love being a mum, it's the greatest job in the world. But I never, ever, EVER thought I'd feel so guilty about everything. I am still exclusively breastfeeding, but some days, for whatever reason, it's hard work and my mind starts thinking about those two 'emergency' cartons of Aptamil in the kitchen cupboard...But the idea of switching to formula now, after we've been doing so well, makes me feel so guilty. Lots of people formula feed their babies, who are healthy, happy and fine. Even thinking about introducing a little bit of formula into his diet makes me feel bad. Why? Because of the insane amount of pressure midwives and health visitors put on new mums to breastfeed. Breast is best and all that. But honestly whatever you decide to do will be the right decision because only you and your baby can know what is best for you both. And a happy mum will most often make a happy child. So yeah, let the guilt wash over you. Because whatever you do (or don't do), that niggling feeling in the back of your mind will be there.

6. An over supply is an annoying problem, but a good problem, to have.

My left boob regularly squirts milk in poor Harrison's face. At first it was weird. Then it was funny. Then it was annoying because he kept coming off the latch. Then it was worrying because I did some research and over supply came up on breastfeeding websites as a 'problem' and I panicked thinking there was something wrong with me. Then it was distressing because he was getting upset that he couldn't feed properly out of that boob. Eventually, I realised it was because I was pumping too much out of that boob, therefore telling my body I needed more milk from it and increasing my supply. Once I figured that out, I stopped pumping 5oz + out of just one boob and things have improved. But hey, at least I'm making enough milk (which is always a good thing I think).

7. Breastfeeding in public is awkward. But doable.

Ah, the minefield of feeding in public. This issue divides the world and everyone seems to have a strong opinion on it. Breastfeeding is one of the most natural things in the world, but it's unfortunately not the most natural thing in the world to pop a boob out in a public place. Like anything, once you've done it once, it gets easier. Juggling a muslin and a wriggly, hungry baby in a busy cafe whilst trying to preserve your dignity and discreetly insert your massive nipple in your child's face is always going to be tricky. If you get some looks from passers-by, then ignore them. You need to feed your baby and the issue is theirs, not yours. I always try to be discreet, and believe me, I don't relish the opportunity of feeding him from my boob whilst out and about, but sometimes needs must. I've done it a few times now and it has got easier. There are lots of breastfeeding friendly restaurants, cafés and shops if you're out and about. The Feed Finder app is helpful. And of course, if you're prepared you can always pump a bottle or two in advance. And anyone that's pumped knows that every drop of milk is precious. J nearly spilt a freshly pumped bottle once! A good 40 minutes worth of milk. I would have been furious! 

So breastfeeding out and about - try it (or not). Once again, the decision should be about what's best for you and your baby. 

8. Close bond? It's ok to feel bored.

I always read about the amazing bond mothers felt when they nursed their children. Mostly, I feel boredom. I like him to get latched, fed and burped as quickly as possible. I enjoy cuddling him, and I do feel good to know that every ounce he gains is down to my body's amazing ability to produce milk. But I don't feel this 'glow' of motherhood that I thought came with breastfeeding. Well, not after the first few times anyway. Sometimes, halfway through a feed, he'll put his little hand on my boob and gaze adoringly up into my eyes and give a little look of wonder. And in those moments, I'm pretty blown away. I'm close to my son, we have a special bond. But I'm not sure that's because I breastfeed him. I think it's more because he grew inside me for 9 months and I worked bloody hard at pushing him out of me! 

9. It's impossible to know how much he's getting.

Should be obvious but it's annoying that there is no way of knowing how much milk a breastfed baby is actually getting. Especially when they sick up a whole load of it straight after a feed, then demand more immediately. Of course, you could pump it all and work it out that way. But pumping is even more boring than breastfeeding, especially if you have a noisy machine like me! If only boobs came with measurements on the side! 

10. Breastfeeding on demand is exhausting, and 'on demand' usually means 'when it's least convenient'.

Most days I feel tired and drained. On demand means whenever my baby wants it, he is offered a feed. This is what the NHS advise, but of course, what is recommended and what is easy are rarely the same. Most of the time it's fine, but some days, Harrison feeds so much my nipples become permanently erect and sore. Thank god for Lansinoh nipple cream! Expensive but a must-have. And until he's a little older and we work out a routine that is suitable for us, the chances are that he will want feeding as soon as I've sat down to dinner. Or need to answer the door / phone / call of nature. 

So whilst this post may sound rather whingy, I want the ultimate message to be that whatever you're doing to feed your baby, it's going to be tough. There will be good days and bad. The learning curve is steep, but the joy of having a newborn baby to love and nurture makes every last drop of milk worth it. And I wouldn't change my baby, or how he feeds for anything. 

Two Months On

Happy Two Month Birthday Harrison!

Two months on and this cheeky little chappy continues to steal our hearts everyday. He is now over 11lbs and is starting to need clothes the next size up. I'm saving the outfit we put him in when we took him home from the hospital though for sentimental reasons. He can reach out to touch things now, with varying degrees of success. He also smiles and has pretend conversations with us now, and even moves his arms to copy me when I dance to music. His little legs are getting stronger, he's happiest when he's upright, standing on our laps. He is starting to recognise his hands, our faces, our voices, again with limited success! It's crazy to think that in a few months he will probably be able to sit up by himself and bounce around in his jumperoo.

But with the magical highs come the crushing lows. He had his injections this week and it was heartbreaking to watch his happy little face contort with pain and then disbelief - 'Mama how can you do this to me!' He did howl after the injections, probably mostly with shock at the horrid thing done to him. I think it was harder for me to watch my sunny little chap be so upset. The next two days were hard. He was grizzly, super clingy and hard to please. By Wednesday he was grizzling constantly, which turned into a full scale meltdown just as I was covered in bleach cleaning the bathroom. Of course by the time I'd washed the chemicals off, he was inconsolable. I swept him into my arms and tried to soothe him with cuddles and a feed, but he was so desperately unhappy even that didn't work and he cried real tears for the first time! 

Fortunately he's been back to his usual smiley self the last two days. Fingers crossed he stays this way!

Goodbye 2013!

So as 2013 draws to a close we naturally reflect on the highs and lows of the year. I can honestly say that 2013 has been the best year of my life. I have travelled, made new friends, won awards for my work, but undoubtedly the major highlight has been getting pregnant and giving birth to our wonderful son (who is currently fast asleep on my lap). Love created a new life and now I can't imagine our lives without him, he has brought us so much joy. And watching J with our little man just makes me love and respect him even more as he is such a wonderful father.

Becoming a mother has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I can't believe I can function on such little amount of sleep or feel so sad and helpless as I rub my baby's tummy as he struggles to do a poo! I actually cheer when he eventually fills his nappy because I know he isn't in discomfort anymore! But gross things aside, there is a lot of wonderful, non bodily function related fun to be had. At the moment, Harrison is just starting to learn he has hands, he is trying desperately to reach out and grab objects (with limited success). 

Watching Harrison grow and change day by day is such an amazing journey. Everyday brings new magic - the way he smiles, a new facial expression, finding a new game to play with him. There is a new discovery everyday and it's fascinating. 

So here's to 2014 - a new year, a new baby, a new life and all the wonderful possibilities these things bring.