Tomorrow I start my new job. I am excited, certainly I was excited. Now big fat tears roll down my cheeks at the thought of leaving you tomorrow. We had a trial morning at your nursery this morning and you were fine. I left you for 25 minutes or so and when I came to see how you were getting on without me, you were dancing to music in the room with a big grin on your face.
I know you'll be fine. But I'm not fine. Because our special time together where it's just you and me is coming to an end. The day I have been dreading for the last 15 months since I left my old job has finally arrived and I can literally feel my heart breaking. It hurts so, so much I feel like I can't breathe. But I know this something we have to do. I keep telling myself that you will be fine, that I will be fine and that it will ALL BE FINE because I cannot drop you off tomorrow and slap a smile on my face and walk into an unfamiliar room and meet new people if I imagine your little face searching for me, missing me even a tenth as much as I'll miss you.
I don't want to write much more because I'm missing precious moments with you. It helps that you've just started walking a little, it's a show of physical strength and maturity which means I don't feel like I'm leaving my tiny, helpless baby with strangers.
I want you to go forth in life, have adventures and make new friends. I want you to learn and grow and I accept that there will be other people in life that will have a hand in raising you. And for me, I'm excited for a new challenge. But right now, as your little warm body fits perfectly in my lap, I want this moment to stretch on forever. For it just to be you and me, my darling little boy always.
You just looked up at my red- rimmed eyes (mama's rainy face) and offered me your dummy, your way of giving me comfort. Thank you, little button.
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