Spring

It has been a terribly long time since I last posted, but that's because it's been very hard to adjust to the new routine of being a working mum. My new job is 18 hours a week, so I work all day Tuesday's and Fridays and Wednesday's till 12:30. It's been a real struggle to fit in time to work, play with H and get the household chores done. But after 9 weeks of change, I finally feel ready to type a quick blog post to update on the situation.

Well, that first day of work was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seriously. I would rather go through 24 hours of labour pains then relive that gut wrenching feeling of leaving my baby at the nursery whilst I slapped on a wonky smile on my face and entered a new workplace for the first time, being forced to fake smile and shake hands with strangers, all the time pining for a cuddle with my little man. It was like taking a bullet right in the heart. And at 2pm, after (another) nervous phone call to the nursery to see how he was doing, I got told that he was 'very distressed. Is there anyway you can leave work early?'... On my first day in a new job?! Luckily, my line manager is very understanding and let me leave at 4:30pm to collect him. I practically sprinted back to the car and sped along the road like a madwoman, desperate to reach him. I will never forget his awful, heartbroken sobs as I picked him up, prompting a flood of tears from me too. And we drove home feeling like crap and I've felt pretty crap since then, right up till about 2 weeks ago when little H finally started to show signs of settling. 

Of course, that first day at nursery prompted several weeks of terrible separation anxiety where H would work himself up into a right state every time I left the room, especially round friend's houses. And it also affected his bedtime routine where he wouldn't want me to leave the room, resulting in us adopting some of the 'cry it out' techniques that are so controversial (but worked!) Although I read a lot online about how to lessen his separation anxiety, the only real consensus was time. And 9 weeks later, here we are. I now have a happy, busy toddler who can be left at nursery for the day with only a few tears, which I have seen firsthand that dry the second I'm up the corridor. And this Tuesday when I collected him it was the first time he didn't cry, but toddled up to me happily for a cuddle. Which I embraced wholeheartedly. 

So yes, a rough few months and more than a few tears shed on my part, mourning my carefree days as a stay at home mummy and dealing with the fall out of this difficult transition. The silver lining is how H's relationship with his two nannie's has blossomed, as they care for him the rest of the time I'm at work. I want him to have the kind of relationship with his grandparents as I did with mine, despite how fractured and unconventional our families are. Now H is walking around and playing like a proper little boy, it makes me appreciate all the more how important our wider family are in helping care for our little man and give us the occasional break! Because as much as we love and treasure him, these days we are literally running round after him, chasing him, playing with him, nurturing and nourishing him and it can be very exhausting! Our days are filled with laughter, astonishment, joy and wonder as we re-learn the world through our son's eyes. And though our time together is shortened now I'm working, it just makes the time we are together even more special.