Seeing Peanut for the First Time

On Friday last week I was working at Rowhedge Village Hall. As I was about to leave, I nipped to the loo where I found a small amount of brownish blood in my knickers.

I rushed home and spoke to NHS Direct who advised me to contact my GP. I was trying to stay calm but, not finding the reassurance I so badly wanted from the guy at the other end of the telephone, I called J in floods of tears, prompting him to rush home from work.

A doctor from my surgery called me back. He advised a period of watchful waiting. Which I did. All weekend. I honestly hardly moved from the sofa. The bleeding (or spotting as it's called) became even lighter and much paler. I resolved to go to the doctors first thing Monday morning to check if everything was ok with Peanut.

At 8am I queued up outside the doctors surgery waiting to see my GP. A couple of hours later, I was in her office being told I needed to get myself down to the Early Pregnancy Unit at Colchester Hospital.

I was concerned but calm. I felt in my heart that everything was alright, but I just needed some reassurance. I drove home, parked the car and walked up to the hospital.

Two and a half hours later I was eventually examined by a young female doctor. She carried out an internal examination (ouch) and had a good feel of what was going on (awkward). She wasn't concerned about the bleeding but advised me to have a scan anyway.

Thirty minutes later I was ushered into a little room with the ultrasound device set up by a kind nurse. I've had two ultrasounds before, always to look at cysts on my ovaries. Past experiences meant I knew what to expect, but they'd always been sad occasions filled with worry.

I laid down on the bed. Gel was liberally applied to my tummy. The scanner was carefully placed on me and on screen a tiny little shape appeared.

Peanut!

It's heart flickered rapidly. My own heart pumped double time in response. Tears welled up in my eyes.

'You have a healthy baby there' said the nurse, 'and here's where the bleeding probably came from. See? Nothing to worry about. It was just the baby implanting itself into the womb.'

'I never thought I'd be able to get pregnant.' I whispered, marvelling at the screen.

The friendly nurse printed out some photos of the ultrasound for me. They are so blurry, to most people they probably can't even make it out. But that's our child. I can see Peanut.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. All I wanted to do was get home from work and hold the photos in my hands and show J. When he got home, we studied them together, our heads close, bodies touching.

Even though Peanut was there, quietly starting it's life inside me, to hold our baby's image in our hands and see evidence of the life we have created was such a tender, beautiful moment.

Our little family.