12 Week Scan!

Things always get worse before they get better. The infection in my wisdom tooth turned into an abscess over the weekend and was giving me a tremendous amount of pain. On Monday I had to go to the dentist (again) and have the abscess drained, which was so unbelievably painful! I sat there quietly, close to the limit of my endurance, whilst the dentist pressed the heel of her hand into my swollen lower jaw using the full force of her body weight. It was agonising, but made me feel like superwoman afterwards as I thought that if I could survive that, I could surely survive childbirth!

Now I'm feeling much better. The infection is practically gone, the rash disappeared after a few days and the cough and cold have gone.

Today, J and I went to the hospital for my 12 week scan. This is officially the dating scan and I'm pleased to say it went well! After my tummy got lubed up, I laid back, held J's hand and watched the screen anxiously. And there was Peanut, nestled safely in my womb, sucking its little thumb and kicking its little legs! It was an amazing experience and one I'm so glad to share with J! I hope he now feels how real it all is, I think it must be difficult for dads to connect this early on. And now we can say that I'm officially due on the 5th November!

We have opted to be screened for Downs Syndrome so they took lots of measurements of Peanut and gave me a blood test afterwards. If its bad news (please don't be bad news!) we will find out in 3 days. If its good news, we won't hear at all.

And here is one of the photos the nurse took of Peanut! Our little baby, our precious child.

Blooming Awful!

At the moment I have a whole host of terrible symptoms which are making me feel very poorly.

A couple of weeks ago I developed perocoronitis around my lower left wisdom tooth which was agonising and made my face swell up like Don Corleone's. I had an emergency appointment with a dentist who prescribed me amoxicillin (general antibiotics) and some Corsodyl mouthwash. After a few days the swelling reduced and my desperate need for pain killers decreased, so last week I was able to teach the Easter holiday workshops without too much fuss.

But over the weekend I've developed a nasty cold and a horrible wracking cough which amounts to tear streaked coughing fits and me trying to catch my breath. The pain in my wisdom tooth has also started up again, it's even started to swell a little bit. My lips are sore and cracked too, so eating has become a nightmare. And now, just to make matters even worse, I've got a rash on my arms, chest and belly.

So generally I feel pretty shocking.

I've booked an appointment with the dentist for Wednesday afternoon (I have now registered with a good dentist so hopefully no more emergency appointments for me) and I'm expecting a phonecall from my doctor this afternoon, hopefully just to reassure me that it's all a virus and I will get better in a couple of days.

I've got so much work on at the moment too, I think I'd really benefit from just having a couple of days off! The weekends are never long enough to rest up and relax. Especially as I need to carry out most of the household chores on the weekends. It all feels very stressful and overwhelming. Above all else, I want to make sure Peanut is safe, but I don't have any energy left for panicking. I'm just quietly hoping that all will be well, and like a ship in a storm, my body is taking the battering whilst my little baby is sleeping safely in a cocoon in the belly of the ship.

Some good news though, my tiredness seems to be levelling out. Despite the illness, I was able to walk to work this morning and felt quite energetic. We've had a couple of days of good sunshine and its been so nice to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.

J and I also went shopping on the weekend and bought some new clothes, including some new jeans, tops and some beautiful stretchy dresses for our holiday. I am really looking forward to having 11 days in the sunshine now!

9 weeks

I've just had my second ultrasound scan. Peanut is safe and well, I got to see its little arms and legs moving around and it's heart beating strongly in its chest. Peanut has also grown a lot since 3 weeks ago! I'm so happy and grateful that Peanut is ok. I even got another photo to add to the collection.

I'm amazed by how much I love this tiny little person inside me already!

More Bleeding

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom. As I looked down, I was horrified to see the sign that every pregnant woman dreads - fresh, red blood.

Thirty minutes of hysterical crying, panicking, hurried dressing and driving to the hospital. Two hours waiting in the Early Pregnancy Unit. One painful internal examination and the ominous words 'threatened miscarriage'. J and I trying to make sense of it all, trying desperately to convince the doctor to tell us that this is 'normal', that we shouldn't be worried. Hand squeezing, bated breath, crawling back into bed, tearful, exhausted, praying that everything is ok.

I need to go back on Thursday for another scan. The doctor said that my cervix is closed, which is a good sign, I have no pain and haven't bled anymore since 10am. Everything is looking positive. But the situation seems so precarious that I daren't move in case it goes away.

What will now follow is three days of torture, desperately hoping that Peanut is ok. Three days of false optimism and forced smiles and being hyper aware of every single twinge and pressure I feel. Three days of scrutinising my knickers for any trace, however small, of blood.

The wait is agonising but nothing compared to the thought of me losing this baby.

Please Peanut, please be strong and safe and healthy.

Our First Antenatal Clinic

Today I visited my GP for the second time. She is really nice and always remembers me and my medical history which I appreciate. I talked through some of my concerns and queries with her today including peanut butter and underwired bras! That made her laugh! Fortunately, it seems not wearing an underwired bra and not eating peanut butter during pregnancy are myths. I should be able to do both these things with little or no impact on the baby.

However, I may need an injection for typhoid when I go to Egypt and she said she will prescribe me a mild form of Valium to knock me out on the plane journey over there and back, which has made me feel lots better. Without a big shot of Jack Daniels to knock me out, I was worried I would get very stressed on the plane, which would in turn stress out poor Peanut. But, like a placebo, just knowing that I'll have something I can take is enough to make me not worry as much.

An old friend from school gave birth yesterday to a beautiful baby boy. I contacted her to wish her congratulations and, after talking for a bit, she mentioned that she'd lost a lot of blood and the delivery had not gone according to plan. That must have been terrible for her, but also, freaks me out big time! I'm trying very hard not to think about labour and how horrific it will be. If I dwell on it too much, it all gets a bit overwhelming.

The doctor mentioned for me to contact the National Childbirth Trust as they are a charitable organisation that provides antenatal classes and advice to expectant and new mums. I've just signed up on their website so I'm hoping I can find some women who are at the same stage in their pregnancies as me soon, it would be good to talk openly about my fears and concerns with women who are in the same position.

Still no morning sickness (yay!) but I am already detecting less than subtle changes to my body. I have gone up a whole cup size already! My boobs are now bigger than J's head! I'm not posting a picture though!

Seeing Peanut for the First Time

On Friday last week I was working at Rowhedge Village Hall. As I was about to leave, I nipped to the loo where I found a small amount of brownish blood in my knickers.

I rushed home and spoke to NHS Direct who advised me to contact my GP. I was trying to stay calm but, not finding the reassurance I so badly wanted from the guy at the other end of the telephone, I called J in floods of tears, prompting him to rush home from work.

A doctor from my surgery called me back. He advised a period of watchful waiting. Which I did. All weekend. I honestly hardly moved from the sofa. The bleeding (or spotting as it's called) became even lighter and much paler. I resolved to go to the doctors first thing Monday morning to check if everything was ok with Peanut.

At 8am I queued up outside the doctors surgery waiting to see my GP. A couple of hours later, I was in her office being told I needed to get myself down to the Early Pregnancy Unit at Colchester Hospital.

I was concerned but calm. I felt in my heart that everything was alright, but I just needed some reassurance. I drove home, parked the car and walked up to the hospital.

Two and a half hours later I was eventually examined by a young female doctor. She carried out an internal examination (ouch) and had a good feel of what was going on (awkward). She wasn't concerned about the bleeding but advised me to have a scan anyway.

Thirty minutes later I was ushered into a little room with the ultrasound device set up by a kind nurse. I've had two ultrasounds before, always to look at cysts on my ovaries. Past experiences meant I knew what to expect, but they'd always been sad occasions filled with worry.

I laid down on the bed. Gel was liberally applied to my tummy. The scanner was carefully placed on me and on screen a tiny little shape appeared.

Peanut!

It's heart flickered rapidly. My own heart pumped double time in response. Tears welled up in my eyes.

'You have a healthy baby there' said the nurse, 'and here's where the bleeding probably came from. See? Nothing to worry about. It was just the baby implanting itself into the womb.'

'I never thought I'd be able to get pregnant.' I whispered, marvelling at the screen.

The friendly nurse printed out some photos of the ultrasound for me. They are so blurry, to most people they probably can't even make it out. But that's our child. I can see Peanut.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. All I wanted to do was get home from work and hold the photos in my hands and show J. When he got home, we studied them together, our heads close, bodies touching.

Even though Peanut was there, quietly starting it's life inside me, to hold our baby's image in our hands and see evidence of the life we have created was such a tender, beautiful moment.

Our little family.

Red Food...

I'm 5 weeks and 5 days today and I have come across a strange pattern. I'm eating lots of red food, the redder the better! Raspberries, tomatoes, pomegranate juice, bolognese sauce, cherries... I'm craving pretty much anything that's red.

Last week I bought radishes for the first time ever. I probably haven't eaten a radish since I was 7, but I suddenly got a real hankering for the peppery fresh bite of a radish. I cut some up and had them in a salad but they weren't as fierce as I remember sadly. It wasn't until I read the packet afterwards that I saw that radishes are a naturally potent source of folic acid. I've of course been taking my pregnancy vitamins, but I marvelled at how my body could engineer a craving so Peanut could get the nutrients it needs.

So far I've not had any morning sickness and I dearly hope that it's a sign of things to come. Although I have felt a little queasy the last couple of days so maybe it will all change soon!

I'm also not experiencing as many twinges and fluttery type sensations as I did 2 weeks ago. I feel a bit conflicted by this - on one hand my worrying doubts start creeping in - if I can't feel anything does that mean Peanut's developing OK? But the other, more rational side of me is more convincing. I think maybe I've already got used to the new sensations and they're not taking me by surprise as much. It will be so exciting when Peanut is big enough to move and kick inside me though because at the moment I would love to know and see what's going on. At least a kick would keep my worst fears in check.

I'm still feeling tired, though perhaps not so much as 2 weeks ago. Once again, maybe my body is getting used to the extra pressure and is coping better.

I'm literally counting down the days until these 12 weeks are up and I can have a scan and see Peanut for the first time! It's such a strange / lovely feeling at the moment. I'll be in the middle of doing something at work or watching rubbish TV when suddenly it hits me - I'm pregnant! The thought automatically gives me a lift and makes me feel special. When I'm by myself, I'm reminded that I'm not really alone, that there is a tiny life being created inside me. It's guaranteed to put a smile on my face :D

Hold On Peanut!

Apparently 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage within the first 12 weeks. I still have approx 8 weeks to go before my first scan, and still another 3 weeks before my first doctors appointment. I can't begin to describe how much I want this baby. The idea that it could be here growing inside me one day, and gone the next is just heartbreaking.

I had a shower and placed my hands over my womb. In the hot flush of water I said out loud "Please hold on Peanut. Please be healthy and safe." Saying the words out loud made me feel like I had some scrap of control over what's going on inside me. But my tears mingled with the water from the shower and trickled down my body.

I've told so many people this happy news, I hadn't really given much thought about what I'd say if Peanut just 'went away'. I know J has been uncomfortable with me sharing our amazing news so early on, though I think we're both guilty of getting caught up in the excitement of it all. I guess if the worst should happen, I'd have to tell the truth and get on with things. But I know that if Peanut does go away, it will break my heart forever. The line from the Jeff Buckley song 'Lover, You Should've Come Over' springs to mind:

"She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever"

Whatever the future holds, I have to try to remain positive and keep my body and brain filled with healthy things. My body doesn't belong to just me anymore, I have another little person to think about.

One Week Ago

One week ago I got some fantastic news. News that I have dreamt about getting for so long that at first I couldn't believe it was real. I had to pinch myself.

A little plastic stick in my hand told me that I was pregnant, that I would be expecting my first child.

I rushed downstairs to show J.

"We're going to have a baby!" I gasped.

"Really?!" his face mirrored my own emotions - a combination of disbelief, tentative joy and that feeling you get when you're holding something very, very fragile, like a butterfly or sugar glass. "Let me see." I handed him the pregnancy test. "Eurgh it's got your wee on it..." he muttered, holding it up to his face.

But the evidence was there. Two strong red lines, the strength and rapidity of which we hoped would be a reflection of the tiny life growing inside me.

What followed was an evening of exclamation marks. I felt dizzy, like I was going to pass out, so I sat down with my head between my knees and hot, excited tears running down my face. J was, as always practical, making lists of things we'd need to buy, tasks we'd need to complete and food I could no longer eat.

We were going to be parents.

After only three months of trying, panic started to flood into me as I realised the enormity of the task ahead, like signing up for a marathon and turning up on race day realising that the quick jog around the park was not even a fraction of what you'd let yourself in for.

Child birth - I kept thinking that in nine months time I was going to have to suffer through excruciating pain, the likes of which I could only deduce from numerous tv dramas, which all seemed to involve a large amount of screaming, puffing and blood. A little voice in my head reminded me that a woman is closest to death when she is in labour, struggling to remove something the size of a watermelon through an exit the size of a coin.

I went to bed that night under no illusions that sleep would come. Lying in the dark, listening to J's soft breathing, I imagined the cells of the baby forming together, multiplying and joining, creating a whole new person inside my womb. The shock, the overwhelming sense of surprise gave me butterflies in my tummy that will become proper little kicks in months to come. I laid awake in awe.

The next morning I dropped J off at the station. He kissed me goodbye and said 'Goodbye Peanut' as he shut the car door.

Peanut.

As soon as I heard the word, this nickname suddenly gave the little cluster of cells and DNA inside me a personality. Peanut was small, cute and fragile. Peanut needed protection and nourishment. A surge of maternal instincts washed over me as I drove home. Peanut was mine and J's child and we would do everything in our power to help it grow and stay safe.

Telling people over the next week was both joyous, awkward and surprising. Most people reacted with the same sense of jubilation that I was harbouring. Some were not so kind, and some I would have preferred not to tell at all. But the news was so wanted - this baby is so wanted - that I just found it too hard to keep to myself.

I'm pregnant!

I want to shout it out from the rooftops!

There is such a long way to go and Peanut is so tiny (about the size of a sesame seed right now) but I'll try to do my best to keep Peanut safe.

The overwhelming feeling of love I have for this tiny person is both exhilarating and exhausting!