More Bleeding

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom. As I looked down, I was horrified to see the sign that every pregnant woman dreads - fresh, red blood.

Thirty minutes of hysterical crying, panicking, hurried dressing and driving to the hospital. Two hours waiting in the Early Pregnancy Unit. One painful internal examination and the ominous words 'threatened miscarriage'. J and I trying to make sense of it all, trying desperately to convince the doctor to tell us that this is 'normal', that we shouldn't be worried. Hand squeezing, bated breath, crawling back into bed, tearful, exhausted, praying that everything is ok.

I need to go back on Thursday for another scan. The doctor said that my cervix is closed, which is a good sign, I have no pain and haven't bled anymore since 10am. Everything is looking positive. But the situation seems so precarious that I daren't move in case it goes away.

What will now follow is three days of torture, desperately hoping that Peanut is ok. Three days of false optimism and forced smiles and being hyper aware of every single twinge and pressure I feel. Three days of scrutinising my knickers for any trace, however small, of blood.

The wait is agonising but nothing compared to the thought of me losing this baby.

Please Peanut, please be strong and safe and healthy.

Hold On Peanut!

Apparently 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage within the first 12 weeks. I still have approx 8 weeks to go before my first scan, and still another 3 weeks before my first doctors appointment. I can't begin to describe how much I want this baby. The idea that it could be here growing inside me one day, and gone the next is just heartbreaking.

I had a shower and placed my hands over my womb. In the hot flush of water I said out loud "Please hold on Peanut. Please be healthy and safe." Saying the words out loud made me feel like I had some scrap of control over what's going on inside me. But my tears mingled with the water from the shower and trickled down my body.

I've told so many people this happy news, I hadn't really given much thought about what I'd say if Peanut just 'went away'. I know J has been uncomfortable with me sharing our amazing news so early on, though I think we're both guilty of getting caught up in the excitement of it all. I guess if the worst should happen, I'd have to tell the truth and get on with things. But I know that if Peanut does go away, it will break my heart forever. The line from the Jeff Buckley song 'Lover, You Should've Come Over' springs to mind:

"She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever"

Whatever the future holds, I have to try to remain positive and keep my body and brain filled with healthy things. My body doesn't belong to just me anymore, I have another little person to think about.