Tomorrow

We are snuggled up watching Cbeebies on TV. You are chewing on a plastic 'brush baby' toothbrush and gently tapping your feet against my legs as you sit happily in my lap. Your hair smells clean as you nestle into my arms.  

Tomorrow I start my new job. I am excited, certainly I was excited. Now big fat tears roll down my cheeks at the thought of leaving you tomorrow. We had a trial morning at your nursery this morning and you were fine. I left you for 25 minutes or so and when I came to see how you were getting on without me, you were dancing to music in the room with a big grin on your face. 

I know you'll be fine. But I'm not fine. Because our special time together where it's just you and me is coming to an end. The day I have been dreading for the last 15 months since I left my old job has finally arrived and I can literally feel my heart breaking. It hurts so, so much I feel like I can't breathe. But I know this something we have to do. I keep telling myself that you will be fine, that I will be fine and that it will ALL BE FINE because I cannot drop you off tomorrow and slap a smile on my face and walk into an unfamiliar room and meet new people if I imagine your little face searching for me, missing me even a tenth as much as I'll miss you. 

I don't want to write much more because I'm missing precious moments with you. It helps that you've just started walking a little, it's a show of physical strength and maturity which means I don't feel like I'm leaving my tiny, helpless baby with strangers. 

I want you to go forth in life, have adventures and make new friends. I want you to learn and grow and I accept that there will be other people in life that will have a hand in raising you. And for me, I'm excited for a new challenge. But right now, as your little warm body fits perfectly in my lap, I want this moment to stretch on forever. For it just to be you and me, my darling little boy always. 

You just looked up at my red- rimmed eyes (mama's rainy face) and offered me your dummy, your way of giving me comfort. Thank you, little button. 

Christmas is Around the Corner

I am laying next to Harrison in our bed, he is wrapped up in my arms napping. He smells like a combination of milk and strawberry juice. He is snoring softly. Every now and then he contorts as he coughs violently, occasionally retching as he struggles with his chest infection. My poor boy. He had sniffles last week that ended up mutating into a horrible chesty cough and cold after he had his one year jabs on Thursday. J and I battled all weekend to bring his temperature down to healthy levels and even now none of us have had much sleep. 

This time of year brings all manner of bugs to blight the festive season. As you dust off your Christmas tree and hang up your decorations you almost know for certain that somebody in the family is going to get a rotten cold in time for Christmas, and if they have one now, 'at least it's out of the way in time for Christmas'. I sincerely hope that all of us enjoy a snot-free Christmas this year. Especially as it's the first one that Harrison can begin to appreciate in terms of that we're doing something different from everyday life and that's exciting. There is a brightly lit tree in the dining room. A holly bough over the fireplace, Christmas cards strewn along the shelves. Harrison desperately wants to escape the confines of the living room and explore the tree - specifically to pull the baubles off and see if they bounce or smash. Hence why we have resigned the tree to our dining area, which we can safely cordone off.

And speaking of resigning, I have handed in my notice at work. There are big changes afoot here as in January I'll be starting a new job at the University of Essex. It's part time, more money and there are actual perks like childcare vouchers, a pension scheme etc. and the big bonus is there's a lovely nursery onsite where my little button will get to play whilst I'm working. 

I am really excited for this new challenge and genuinely ready and willing for the chance to meet new people and start this new chapter of my life as a working mum. But there is a part of me that is desperately sad that my time as a stay at home mummy has come to an end. 

There are no words for how much this time with Harrison has meant to me. Everyday (even the days when he's been poorly or stroppy) have been the best of my life. I feel so sad that our special time together is coming to an end. I think this is exacerbated by the fact I stopped breastfeeding Harrison a week after his first birthday. That was traumatic to say the least, though definitely the right time for us to stop. 

I will admit that I'm struggling to accept that there will be other people that will have a hand in raising Harrison and shaping the man he will become. That frightens me, because in my mind only J and I are fit to raise our son and there is a lot of distrust around how our family members, friends and staff will meet our high expectations. But, in the immortal words of Frozen, I have to 'let it go'. Harrison loved looking around the nursery the other day and just wanted to wriggle away from me and J and play with the new toys. It was a heartbreaking moment, but I am ultimately proud that our boy is strong enough to be independent from us. 

So this Christmas I am going to make the most of being a stay at home mum whilst I can. Who cares that I'm snuggled up next to my sleeping baby at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning? The chores can wait, it's a never ending task anyway. Right now, having the time to hold my little, sleeping, snotty son in my arms is all I could ever want for Christmas. 

1

Today is your first birthday. I am so happy and overjoyed, but you wouldn't believe the amount of tears I have shed over this day. Because everyday that crept closer to your birthday was a day that you grew older, another day bringing you closer to your future and further away from being my little baby. 

Since being your mummy I have learned one very important thing: I need you far more than you will ever need me. Yes I feed you, clothe you, kiss away the tears. But your smiles feed me, your little arms wrap around me better than a cashmere shawl and your laughter dusts away all the sadness I may ever have.

I wanted to write you a poem for your birthday. But what could be said anew when mothers have been writing poems for their children for centuries? How could I put into words our unique bond, the strength of my love for you? Then I thought. I will simply write down the words I whisper to you every single night. Words that are just for you and I as you finish nursing. A goodnight mantra to carry you through the night. 

I love you higher than the mountains, deeper than the seas and wider than the skies. I will do everything in my power to always keep you happy, healthy and safe from harm. 

I love you more than I can possibly put into words. More than the breath in my lungs or the beat of my heart. 

You are my reason for living. 

My happy thought.

My pure joy. 

I hope you've had a fun day. I had fun being with you and everyday I wake up in the morning I'm so happy and thankful that I get to be your mummy. I can't believe how lucky I am that you are my little boy. You bring so much happiness and joy into our lives. 

Thank you. 

I hope you have a lovely, long sleep filled with happy dreams that make you smile and giggle. But if you wake up afraid then don't worry because mummy and daddy will just be downstairs or in the room next door, watching over you. We'll always be watching over you.

I love you Harrison. I'm going to put you in your cot now. 

Sweet dreams. 

Sleep tight.

Good night. 

Time Flies

 

So we're now in October and next month our little boy, the light of our lives turns 1. Although the blog posts have been growing more and more sparse of late (I'm busy being a mummy!) that's not to say that things aren't changing in Harrison's world. Now a proficient crawler, he has been using his newfound skills to scale the furniture, attempting to climb onto things and generally exploring every inch of our home. Baby proofing has become a hot topic, especially as Harrison's danger radar homes in on whatever is the least appropriate thing to play with in the room and tells him to go touch! Or worse - eat! I pulled chips of wood out from his mouth the other week which he'd picked off the logs in the fireplace. Gross. 

J has made this for the fireplace:

to cover the very porous bricks. It's done a fantastic job of cushioning our little man's expeditions round the fireplace, but has also aided his mission somewhat as he uses it as a step to scale the wall...

In other news, I turned 30 years old on the 1st October. We celebrated by heading to Cornwall and staying in a gorgeous log cabin by Forest Holidays. We had a log burner and hot tub, it was so wonderful. Harrison got his first ever experience of paddling around in a pool. He was unsure at first but grew to like it when he realised he could splash us in our faces. 

We had lots of fun visiting the Eden Project, the Lost Gardens of Heligan and little seaside towns like Looe, Polperro and Mevagissey. My favourite times though were just being out and about in nature with my boys, exploring the woods and drinking in the changing colours of the season. It was 20 degrees on my birthday - that's never happened before! And I woke up to a hot cup of tea and this view...

It just seems like a few weeks ago that we were in Norfolk celebrating my 29th and I was so heavily pregnant we were scared to do much in case I popped. I look at my little man, his angelic face (even when he's being a monkey) and I can't quite believe how quickly this year is going. 

Thankfully those night feeds are a thing of the past and I don't often have to get up in the middle of the night to check on him, but I remember the times when I did. Changing his nappy in the cold, dark, lighting my way with the little colour changing candles we used in my labour. Harrison's face as he was mesmerised by the soft, colourful glow. And then sitting on the chair at the end of our bed, nursing him for what felt like forever, trying to stay awake whilst willing my newborn boy back to sleep. Getting up 10+ times in the night to soothe him and pop the dummy back in his mouth - what a revelation that was when he learnt to do that himself! How far our little adventurer has come, how far he will go. Everyday being with him makes my heart sing. 

Many Milestones

Since I last wrote our little baby boy has gone through so many changes, both physically and developmentally, it's hard to keep track of them all! Last week he sat up by himself from being completely flat on his back. Me and J exclaimed in wonder - how did he go it? Could he do it again? I'd briefly left him on his back after a nappy change and on my return 10 seconds later he was sat bolt upright and beaming. Little did we know that this was not the only milestone reached that day... for when I put him in cot that evening to run his bath I watched in fascination as he crawled over his bed like he'd been doing it for months. Excitedly I called J upstairs to witness this long-awaited miracle. By the next evening Harrison was pulling himself up to standing in his cot very sturdily and supporting himself in standing downstairs against the sofas. I wouldn't say he runs us ragged now, but his penchant for cables, wires, the brick fireplace and anything remotely dangerous is quite exhausting.

But it's not all oohs and ahhs over here. Well perhaps there are ahhs but they're delivered in a painful screech. For my darling natured baby and his two tiny teeth have learnt how to bite me, particularly in a very vulnerable place as he's feeding...he has only done it a few times now, all when he's had a streaming cold, so I'm hoping it doesn't become a regular thing as that will cut the final weeks of breastfeeding down dramatically. And whilst we're on the subject, today is the first day I'm only offering 3 breastfeeds, so we'll see how that goes. He has coped with cutting his milk down surprisingly well, but then I have made this process very gradual, as much as for his sake as mine.

In other news I've asked for a 6 month extension of leave to delay me returning to work. The idea of leaving my little monkey with someone else is just heartbreaking to me and I haven't been coping with the idea of returning to work at all well. If I get an extension, it will alleviate all the pressure and insecurities I feel about leaving my son with strangers who are paid (an extortionate amount) to care for him rather than doing it out of love. He is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't afford to put him with people who may not have his best interests at heart whilst I go off to work for a pittance. Hopefully in 6 months my mum will have a part time job that will mean she can look after Harrison at least some of the time, allowing me to gradually return to work (part time) and bring home a little bit of extra income.

As I type this he is laying sweetly asleep in my lap. His little hand on my chest and his eyelids flickering as he dreams. The first year of his life is just rushing by like a freight train. Every night as I feed him to sleep I'm aware that we're only months away from losing our special bond, which is just so sad. But each night brings a new day and a new adventure for me and my boy.