2

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, you turned two years old. 

I don't think I ever really, really appreciated how quickly time flies until I had you, my rocket-propelled, aviation-obsessed space cadet wannabe. I last wrote a blog post in August! You've grown into almost a whole different person since then! To write about all your funny quirks, your little sayings, your loves and pet hates would take almost a year to write in itself. So I'll just content myself by immortalising forever the cute way you say:

'Of course!'

'Good idea, Mummy!'

and

'Oh my goodness!' 

You are a walking exclamation mark. You don't want to hold my hand anymore - you just want to 'run around'. You break my heart and mend it again every single day. You are a prolific lover of the word 'no'. You push your friends and then say 'sorry' in the most heart-melting way. Mummy and Daddy are your best friends. Dumdy Tiger is your bedtime buddy that gets the lovely job of cuddling you all night long.  

Today you learnt how to say 'come play with us' (meaning me), I wonder if this time next year you'll still want to be my friend? You'll still want to play? Whether rockets and cars and tiny taxi and fire car and airplanes and trains will still be your most favourite things in the world. 

This year has been far less emotional for me (until now). Watching you grow and develop your little character has been a wonderful experience. You may not be my tiny baby anymore, but you are my jet-fuelled, golden-haired boy, running with the wind and into my arms. 

Happy birthday to you, little one.

Two years old. 

I love you to the moon and back xxx

Summer 2015

Finding time to post is getting harder and harder. I can't believe my last post was back in May and now we're in August already! Summer is now well underway here and we're enjoying lots of trips to the British seaside, family days out and planning for our future.

In June we went to Crete for our first family holiday abroad. I don't relish flying at the best of times so this was a big challenge for my nerves, especially now I have our little pickle to worry about too. I'm very happy to report that H absolutely did us both proud on the flights there and back, spending at least an hour of the journey asleep and being as good as gold for the other 3 hours of the journey. Of course, we did nearly miss our flight out, but that's due to factors beyond our control (thanks Thomson for only having 2 check in desks open😁). 

Once we had checked into our hotel in Crete, the nerves and panic of the journey were soon forgotten. We had booked a family swim up suite which was beautiful, being situated in the corner of the resort with views over the sea. J and I shared a spacious double room and H was set up in the living room area in a travel cot. He had great fun exploring his new home from home and despite early misgivings, he settled well every night and slept throughout the night, every night. 

Overall we had a fantastic holiday with good food, quality time together as a family - and as a couple too as we used the resort nursery to look after H for an hour or two some of the days we were there. We left with lots of happy memories: the hot stone grill! Exploring the island on the land train! And this perfect sunset...

Updates with H...

He is now a very good conversationalist. When I pick him up from his cot in the morning he says 'hello mummy, how are you today?' and sometimes 'wow! A tiger! Roar!' as he shows me Dumdy Tiger. I love how he's learning to string simple sentences together and my heart swells with pride when he constructs a new sentence or is able to communicate something new to me 'Mummy! What's that sound? A plane!' 

With his newfound communication skills, he is also able to tell me when he doesn't want to do something, when he (*thinks*) he's finished his food and that he durable want his happy changed. So my days are often spent trying to reason with my 21 month old son, asking him to use his words rather than to lash out at me or his toys (which granted doesn't happen very often, but I'm quick to nip outbursts in the bud). The word discipline has cropped up in several of mine and J's conversations lately and I'm putting into practice lessons learned from watching years of 'Supernanny'. We have a Timeout area which he sits in when he's done something particularly naughty. I'm quite surprised that he actually sits and completes his Timeout quite tolerably. If anything he finds it novel and is constantly trying to catch my eye to entice a conspiratorial wink or smile which I try my hardest to avoid. But he's just so goddamn cute! Even when he's filled with mischief. Luckily for us, his naughty moments are few and far between (at the moment!) but both J and I really feel strongly that H needs to be taught how to behave towards others in a gentle, rational way. Sigh. This parenting gig can be tough.

H has also developed a love of rockets and all things space, in part nurtured by me as a way to get him to look forward to the plane journey. But yes totally run with it and now wants to watch the NASA channel on YouTube more than CBeebies! Here he is in his own short-lived cardboard rocket that J made for him.

In other news, I've slightly increased my hours at work, starting next week. It's all party of the 'grand plan' J and I have and whilst I will miss those extra few hours a week with H, I feel like he's at a stage where he can cope being without me for a few hours more. And I'll still be spending 4 days of the week with him, the majority of the time, which is what I'd always wanted.

Anyway, I shall try to update again soon. We have bought a potty, so the next update could be interesting...!

L x

Summer is fast approaching

So despite the rain lashing down outside I am assured that summer is almost here. We have bought a bike seat for little H and the last three weekends have been spent going on glorious bike rides through the countryside. He absolutely loves being out on the bike, and doesn't even put up much of a fuss when he has to put his helmet on. He has a love of cycling and the great, wide outdoors in his genes and it's so good to hear him squeal with delight as Daddy races off with him along a lush country trail. 

We are rapidly approaching H's 2nd birthday, yet the terrible twos seem to have made an early appearance. Our days together are often a combination of happily laying tempered with the odd hissy fit as I remind him that he can't eat his Dad's slippers, or touch the plug sockets, or climb onto the fireplace, or smack me in the face. He has mastered the art of scowling and pouting, both of which he likes to practice on friendly, elderly strangers who just want to say hello. But even in the middle of a tantrum, this adorable face still melts my heart. 

Spring

It has been a terribly long time since I last posted, but that's because it's been very hard to adjust to the new routine of being a working mum. My new job is 18 hours a week, so I work all day Tuesday's and Fridays and Wednesday's till 12:30. It's been a real struggle to fit in time to work, play with H and get the household chores done. But after 9 weeks of change, I finally feel ready to type a quick blog post to update on the situation.

Well, that first day of work was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seriously. I would rather go through 24 hours of labour pains then relive that gut wrenching feeling of leaving my baby at the nursery whilst I slapped on a wonky smile on my face and entered a new workplace for the first time, being forced to fake smile and shake hands with strangers, all the time pining for a cuddle with my little man. It was like taking a bullet right in the heart. And at 2pm, after (another) nervous phone call to the nursery to see how he was doing, I got told that he was 'very distressed. Is there anyway you can leave work early?'... On my first day in a new job?! Luckily, my line manager is very understanding and let me leave at 4:30pm to collect him. I practically sprinted back to the car and sped along the road like a madwoman, desperate to reach him. I will never forget his awful, heartbroken sobs as I picked him up, prompting a flood of tears from me too. And we drove home feeling like crap and I've felt pretty crap since then, right up till about 2 weeks ago when little H finally started to show signs of settling. 

Of course, that first day at nursery prompted several weeks of terrible separation anxiety where H would work himself up into a right state every time I left the room, especially round friend's houses. And it also affected his bedtime routine where he wouldn't want me to leave the room, resulting in us adopting some of the 'cry it out' techniques that are so controversial (but worked!) Although I read a lot online about how to lessen his separation anxiety, the only real consensus was time. And 9 weeks later, here we are. I now have a happy, busy toddler who can be left at nursery for the day with only a few tears, which I have seen firsthand that dry the second I'm up the corridor. And this Tuesday when I collected him it was the first time he didn't cry, but toddled up to me happily for a cuddle. Which I embraced wholeheartedly. 

So yes, a rough few months and more than a few tears shed on my part, mourning my carefree days as a stay at home mummy and dealing with the fall out of this difficult transition. The silver lining is how H's relationship with his two nannie's has blossomed, as they care for him the rest of the time I'm at work. I want him to have the kind of relationship with his grandparents as I did with mine, despite how fractured and unconventional our families are. Now H is walking around and playing like a proper little boy, it makes me appreciate all the more how important our wider family are in helping care for our little man and give us the occasional break! Because as much as we love and treasure him, these days we are literally running round after him, chasing him, playing with him, nurturing and nourishing him and it can be very exhausting! Our days are filled with laughter, astonishment, joy and wonder as we re-learn the world through our son's eyes. And though our time together is shortened now I'm working, it just makes the time we are together even more special. 

Tomorrow

We are snuggled up watching Cbeebies on TV. You are chewing on a plastic 'brush baby' toothbrush and gently tapping your feet against my legs as you sit happily in my lap. Your hair smells clean as you nestle into my arms.  

Tomorrow I start my new job. I am excited, certainly I was excited. Now big fat tears roll down my cheeks at the thought of leaving you tomorrow. We had a trial morning at your nursery this morning and you were fine. I left you for 25 minutes or so and when I came to see how you were getting on without me, you were dancing to music in the room with a big grin on your face. 

I know you'll be fine. But I'm not fine. Because our special time together where it's just you and me is coming to an end. The day I have been dreading for the last 15 months since I left my old job has finally arrived and I can literally feel my heart breaking. It hurts so, so much I feel like I can't breathe. But I know this something we have to do. I keep telling myself that you will be fine, that I will be fine and that it will ALL BE FINE because I cannot drop you off tomorrow and slap a smile on my face and walk into an unfamiliar room and meet new people if I imagine your little face searching for me, missing me even a tenth as much as I'll miss you. 

I don't want to write much more because I'm missing precious moments with you. It helps that you've just started walking a little, it's a show of physical strength and maturity which means I don't feel like I'm leaving my tiny, helpless baby with strangers. 

I want you to go forth in life, have adventures and make new friends. I want you to learn and grow and I accept that there will be other people in life that will have a hand in raising you. And for me, I'm excited for a new challenge. But right now, as your little warm body fits perfectly in my lap, I want this moment to stretch on forever. For it just to be you and me, my darling little boy always. 

You just looked up at my red- rimmed eyes (mama's rainy face) and offered me your dummy, your way of giving me comfort. Thank you, little button.